“If my time on Earth were
through, and [they] must face this world without me; is the love I gave [them] in
the past, gonna be enough to last; If tomorrow never comes”.
We are at the commencement of a
global pandemic. When the dust settles
and the sun begins to rise on a new world created not by bombs and military
brigades, but by microbes and mutations, there is a strong chance that I may
not rise with it. Covid-19 is
respiratory virus that for the majority of people will cause mild-moderate respiratory
flu-like symptoms. For the elderly and individuals with preexisting respiratory
diseases, such as myself, the outcomes are far less positive. As of March 21st,
2020, 304,217 people have contracted Covid-19 world-wide. 12,983 people
have died. That is a mortality rate of 4.26%. To put it into perspective, the
seasonal flu has a mortality rate of 0.1%. As we begin this new quarantine
journey, the Garth Brooks lyrics above have been running through my head.
As a person who is at high risk
for a negative outcome from this novel virus, I am oddly at peace with what may
come in the next few months. Don’t for a second, however, take my sense of peace
for surrender. I will fight like hell against that which I cannot see. But at
work we talk a lot about our sphere of influence. What it is that I can
directly control? I cannot control what is happening in our world. I cannot
control how my body will react when it comes into contact with Covid-19. The
one thing I can control is whether or not I loved them enough today.
Did I love my boys enough today?
They are five and seven years old now. For those who know our journey with both
of them, you know how terrifying it has been at times. We finally got Matt
medically stable after several years of uncertainty. He has faced his
challenges with a bravery far greater than his years. He has developed into the
most strong-willed, resilient, and infuriatingly lovable child I have ever
met. He is so incredibly bright. I truly believe he will change our world one
day. He looks at the universe
differently. This world needs more of that, even if it drives me crazy half
the time. He knows what he wants in life and is not afraid to go out and get it
– much to his kindergarten teacher’s dismay. At five and a half years old, have
I loved him enough? Will the love I have given him last him the rest of his
life? Does he know, deep in his soul, how much I truly love every part of him
and how much his existence has made my heart whole? Did I love him enough
today?
Jayden, at seven and a half years
old, is the most perceptive, compassionate, thoughtful, and soulfully beautiful child I
have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He loves with his entire being. He, like
his mother, wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn’t understand hatred or why
some people act with such cruelty. I often tell him that “kindness is his super
power”. While, yes, I want my children to be as successful as they can be in
school and in their lives, I want more than anything for them to grow up to be
kind, considerate individuals. Jayden came out of the womb – 8.5 weeks early
might I add- with this inherent quality. Yes, kindness can be taught, but more
often than not, he is the one teaching me. At seven and a half years old, have
I loved him enough to last him the rest of his life? Does he know, with every
fiber of his being, that he is loved unconditionally by me? Does he understand that
his life has given mine the meaning I never knew was missing? Did I love him
enough today?
At 36 years old, I have loved my
husband for half my life. He is an incredibly hardworking man who tries to
protect his family from any type of harm. He is an engineer to the core. Like
most engineers, he sees the world in mostly black and white. He struggles to
cope with problems he cannot fix with his engineering mind, and our current
situation is damn near breaking him. Like our 5 year old, he is extremely
stubborn, but is also incredibly thoughtful and loves us without measure. There
is no one else on earth with whom I would want to walk this path. We have
created a life together that for some is only a dream. Yes, we have been through
difficult times, but have faced them head on, together. We have been to hell and back, but along the
way we found our own little piece of heaven on earth. And yet I still wonder,
have I loved him enough? Is the love I have given him enough to last him the
rest of his life? Does he understand with every piece of his heart just how
much I love him? Did I love him enough today?
All I ever wanted to be growing
up was a teacher. After taking time off while the boys were very little, I
returned to the classroom almost 2 years ago. As demanding as the transition from
stay at home mom to full time working mom has been, I know I am where I am
supposed to be. Being a mom to children with special needs has made me a better
teacher. While I work daily to improve my instructional practices, I don’t have
to try to care for my students. But do they know that? Did I love them enough
in the short time I had them in my class that they were able to feel that love?
Do they know that I have never, and I will never, give up on any of them? Do
they know this doesn’t just apply to the “easy” students, but it is especially
true for even the most infuriatingly difficult of students (Here’s looking at
you – JFK*, Miles*, Ross*, Yoshi*, and others). Do they know that I want nothing more than for
them to be successful at whatever path they choose to take in life? Did I love
them enough today?
Last weekend I became sick with
influenza B, and like nearly every other time I get the flu, I developed
pneumonia. As a severe, yet mostly well-controlled asthmatic, this is par for
the course. As Covid-19 sweeps across my adopted state, it isn’t a matter of if
I will contract it. It is a matter of when. Three years ago Jason found me
unresponsive on the floor due to a massive asthma attack. It took an hour of
bagging me and 2 epis to bring me back. I know the up-hill battle I will face
with this new virus. And yet, at the end of the day, I am not afraid to die. I
know I have my parents and a child I’ve never met on earth waiting patiently
for me when my time is through. I am, however, afraid I will be forgotten in
the eyes of my living children. I am afraid I
haven’t loved my boys enough for their memories with me to last the rest of their
beautiful lives. Have I loved them enough today?
Have I loved you enough? Have I
loved you enough for you to do your part to flatten the curve? If the curve doesn’t
flatten, there will not be enough life support machines for all the people who
need them at one time. There may not be a machine for me to fight my way back
to my boys. Italy didn’t flatten the
curve in time. Doctors over there are currently forced to make horrifying decisions as to who gets to live and who must die. If we don’t flatten the
curve here, our doctors will have to make this choice too. Have I loved you enough for you to take social
distancing seriously? Have I loved you enough today?
*names have been changed to protect the infuriating.
