More?!?!?!?!

Ever since Jayden was around 6 months old, people - including strangers - have asked me if we are planning on having more children. It has become and increasingly popular question and one that for me isn't easy to answer. First of all, I don't really see how it is anyone's business whether Jay and I decide to have more children. For strangers, I know they are just curious and none of them know the struggles we have faced in even having one child. But to the people who DO know our history - the pain and heartache we have endured in the hopes of having  a family - please stop asking. It is a deeply personal question to which I do not have an answer. Is there a part of me who wants more children? Of course there is. But it isn't as simple as just having unprotected sex. We have 3 embryos frozen. The comment I get a lot after explaining that we would have to do IVF again if we wanted to have more kids is "well I know so and so who did IVF and then got pregnant naturally. It is like the pregnancy reset the body". That is great for so and so. For us and our form of infertility that is not likely to happen. Could it? Of course it could, but I am not holding my breath. Because of the risk a multiple pregnancy would create knowing my history with pre-eclampsia, we would only be able to transfer 1 embryo at a time. This lowers the chances of success considerably. 
If I were to get pregnant I have a 40% chance of having pre-e again. Because of how early Jayden was, I have a much higher chance of having another preemie. I do not know if my heart could handle that. Knowing what I know now, knowing how incredibly lucky we have been with Jayden and not having any significant long term consequences of his prematurity, I don't know if it is the right decision to bring another child into this world. 
I mentioned the other day that infertility isn't just a battle, it is a war. It is a brutal and unforgiving war that had left me heartbroken and shattered. The birth of my son has healed the wounds of this war. I do not know if I can handle another battle, let alone another war. For the first time in many many years I am truly and unbelievably happy. I never want to feel that way again. Willingly allowing myself to enter into war in my eyes, at this point in time, is madness. I never want Jayden to feel like he isn't enough. I don't want to miss my son's childhood because we are so desperate to have more children. And what happens if I do get pregnant? In my eyes, the worst case scenario is losing another child. But to my husband and my child, the worst case scenario is not just losing the child, but losing me. As a mother I would gladly give up my life so that my child could live, but what happens to the child I already have? What happens to the man that has loved me since we were 17? Before Jayden and in the depths of depression, I believed that no one would miss me if I was gone. I see how my child looks at me. I see the love in my husband's eyes and I know if I were gone their lives would never be the same. I am not trying to be conceded, but truthful about what could happen should we choose to have more kids.
Asking someone if they plan to have more children is a deeply personal question. It is a simple question but one that does not have a simple answer. If we choose to only have one child, why is it anyone's business? I am sure I will be looked down upon by others because I only have one. How hard could raising only one be? There is such a stigma associated with the title of "only child". People believe they are selfish and they think the world revolves around them. If Jayden is indeed an only child, he will continue to be raised to be a kind, caring, giving child in hopes that he will become a kind, caring, and giving young man who knows the true value of the people and things in his life. If Jayden is indeed an only child, I shouldn't have to give an explanation as to why. Just as I do not judge those who have several children, people should not judge me for only having one. Undoubtedly some will. I will have to work had at suppressing the rage that will begin to fill me. I will have to fight the urge to justify our choice to others because it isn't any of their business how many kids we choose to have and the reasons why.
A few months ago I was told by a daycare worker that I "Owe it to the world to have another child" because Jayden is such a beautiful, delightful, and intelligent child. I do not owe the world more children.  What I do owe the world is to raise the child I do have in such a way that he makes the world a better place. I owe it to my son to continue to be happy and healthy and to be alive to watch him change the world for the better, as he has already changed mine.

525,600 Minutes

525,600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?

On Sunday there will have been 525,600 minutes since my heart has been walking on the outside of my body.  The earth will have made one complete trip around the sun since my child was prematurely, and in my opinion, cruelly, brought into this world.  It is so very hard for people to comprehend my anxiety associated with this day unless they too have been there. People always ask me how old he is.  When I say he will be 1 on Sunday, if they don’t make a comment about how small he is first, they ask me if I am excited. To strangers I say yes, because that is what they want to hear. They don’t want to hear that it was the most terrifying day of my life.  Had Jayden not been delivered when he was, he and I both could have died. Even after he was born, he had to fight so incredibly hard to breathe; to survive. 

He is still fighting. He is still struggling at times. Recently I had him evaluated by a feeding specialist after my “Mommy Voice” told me that something wasn’t quite right. We had been so lucky. In May, Jayden graduated early from physical therapy.  We seem to have avoided any lasting respiratory issues so far (crossing my fingers we make it unscathed through the next RSV season).   But still, there was a nagging feeling inside that he still wasn’t eating enough. He couldn’t seem to handle thicker purees or any type of “real” food besides cheerios and puffs.  On top of that, when he did gag and choke on things, he would projectile vomit all over the place.  So he would lose any food he had just taken in - and then some. He was still gaining weight, but that was because we fortify his bottles with rice cereal and extra formula. Even with that, he is still only the size of a 6-7 month old.  His pediatrician didn’t seem to think there was a problem and he kept tell me he would grow out of it. Jayden was still on his own curve and growing, so he wasn’t concerned.  I on the other hand was getting quite nervous.  I had a goal of having him off bottles by a year adjusted, but that isn’t going to happen. I finally demanded he be evaluated by a feeding specialist. She came to our house and after getting his history and looking at his mouth and how he was eating food (of course he didn’t actually gag and puke for her) she said that he has low tone with his tongue and mouth which means he can’t move food around in his mouth very well in order to chew and swallow efficiently. Therefore the food sits in his mouth and he gags, and when he gags he pukes. She referred us back to Imagine and Child Find to get him qualified for services with the county. I am very apprehensive about his evaluation with them because he didn’t qualify for services back in the fall. While no parent wants to hear that their child qualifies for services because they are delayed in some way, it will help us not to have to pay the copay every week as well as get him services once he enters school should he still need them. She is also a speech pathologist so I asked her about his speech. He babbles a lot, but wasn’t noticing too many constants other than m and b. She said that with his type of feeding issues and low tone, he could potentially experience a speech delay. My heart sank. It was so hard to keep a brave face for her after she said that because I have waited so long to hear my own child call me Mommy.  I cried after she left.  I know it is way too early to know if he will have any issues with speech and that she only said it was a possibility and not a definitive, but it is just one more thing associated with his prematurity that I was not expecting and something else that I blame myself for. She believes that he will need at least 6 months of weekly feeding therapy, if not more, in order to catch up to kids his age in terms of eating.  On a positive note however, she did not think he had any type of sensory issues that were causing his feeding problems; things that might be associated with Autism.  She was also very impressed with how proactive I was in demanding he see someone, especially since he is my first child. She told me it was great that we are getting him help so early, so it can hopefully prevent some major eating problems later on.  We now have to add calories to his solid foods as well as continue to fortify his bottles. It is definitely different grocery shopping when instead of looking for low calorie/low fat options, I am looking for the highest calorie/highest fat content I can. I didn’t even know they made whole milk yogurt. We are also sticking with fruit purees for now, as he seems to keep most of those down (if he doesn’t like something he gags and then pukes). We will eventually add veggies back into his diet. In the last few weeks there has been some improvement. He absolutely LOVES the Gerber graduate puffs. We go through several cans a week.  I am hopeful that he will be able to take more and more solids and we will gradually stop the bottles.

Other than his feeding issues Jayden is an extremely active, affectionate, and sweet little boy. He is almost always smiling. He is unbelievably curious and incredibly observant.  He sits back and takes in everything.  He is so close to walking on his own. In the past few days he has taken 1-2 steps independently. He understands more and more words every day. If I ask him to go get a certain toy, he stops what he is doing, looks around for the item and then goes and attacks it. It is hilarious to watch.  He also is a climber and loves to climb into his toy bins or onto the fire place. It is only a matter of time before he figures out he can move objects to help him climb onto or into things. 

He is the light of my life and makes me happier than I ever thought I could be.  I am looking forward to see him celebrate his birthday this Sunday with our family and friends. I can’t wait to see him with his smash cake and open his presents. People who haven’t seen him in 6 months will be amazed at how far he has come.  From the 4 pound preemie who needed help breathing, eating, and maintaining his body temperature to the 16.5 pound toddler who finds excitement in everything.

When I think about Jayden’s birth, there are times I still cry. I hate how his story began. But I also think about how hard he has had to fight to be where he is today and there has never been a prouder mom. It isn’t how your life began that matters, but what you do with that life once you’re here and he is making the most of it.  In the last 525,600 minutes, I have cried a thousand tears. But I have also smiled and laughed more than I ever have in my life. I have been filled with a type of love I didn’t know existed until my son entered this world. I am excited and hopeful to see what the next 525,600 minutes has in store for me and my double miracle child.

 Day 1 and Today

Mr. Personality

It has been a while since I have posted. Mostly because I have been enjoying my life with Jayden. He is already 8 months old, 6 months adjusted. I fall more and more in love with him every minute of every day. He is still a peanut, but he is growing so his doctor isn't too concerned. We do have an appointment with an ENT at the beginning of May. He has periods of loud breathing which seem to come from his throat. His doctor said it is probably something called Tracheomalacia. He only said this after I insisted on a referral to the ENT. From Dr. Google, I have suspected tracheomalacia, but I want to make sure and talk to a specialist in the field. 
Over the last 8 months, Jayden has emerged as Mr. Personality. He is one of the happiest, easy going babies I have ever seen. He smiles with his whole face and it could melt even the coldest of hearts. We have created a monster though. An animal loving monster. He absolutely LOVES all of the animals we have. Charlie (our big dog) and him seem to have the most fun together. Charlie lets Jayden do whatever he wants to him. We are working on trying to teach Jayden "nice touches", but he is 8 months old. Jayden finds it hilarious when Charlie gives him kisses, which is often since Charlie is a lab and loves to lick.
The curiosity and wonder I see in Jayden's eyes every moment of the day is amazing to me. He is literally seeing things for the first time. He examines everything (and then usually tries to put it in his mouth!) with excitement. As a teacher, scientist, and now a mother, I strive to keep that inquisitive nature alive throughout his entire life. 
As for me, I still feel the guilt every day. I tell my son that I am sorry every day. There is no timetable for healing. Exercise has been helping greatly, as has volunteering for the Pre-Eclampsia foundation's Denver Promise Walk. It allows me to feel like I am doing something to try and prevent this from happening again should we decide to have more children. I hope that one day there will be better treatments for this complication of pregnancy so that delivering the child prematurely will not be the best option to save both the mother and the child. I don't ever want to feel as helpless and alone as I did last August.