If I were to get pregnant I have a 40% chance of having pre-e again. Because of how early Jayden was, I have a much higher chance of having another preemie. I do not know if my heart could handle that. Knowing what I know now, knowing how incredibly lucky we have been with Jayden and not having any significant long term consequences of his prematurity, I don't know if it is the right decision to bring another child into this world.
I mentioned the other day that infertility isn't just a battle, it is a war. It is a brutal and unforgiving war that had left me heartbroken and shattered. The birth of my son has healed the wounds of this war. I do not know if I can handle another battle, let alone another war. For the first time in many many years I am truly and unbelievably happy. I never want to feel that way again. Willingly allowing myself to enter into war in my eyes, at this point in time, is madness. I never want Jayden to feel like he isn't enough. I don't want to miss my son's childhood because we are so desperate to have more children. And what happens if I do get pregnant? In my eyes, the worst case scenario is losing another child. But to my husband and my child, the worst case scenario is not just losing the child, but losing me. As a mother I would gladly give up my life so that my child could live, but what happens to the child I already have? What happens to the man that has loved me since we were 17? Before Jayden and in the depths of depression, I believed that no one would miss me if I was gone. I see how my child looks at me. I see the love in my husband's eyes and I know if I were gone their lives would never be the same. I am not trying to be conceded, but truthful about what could happen should we choose to have more kids.
Asking someone if they plan to have more children is a deeply personal question. It is a simple question but one that does not have a simple answer. If we choose to only have one child, why is it anyone's business? I am sure I will be looked down upon by others because I only have one. How hard could raising only one be? There is such a stigma associated with the title of "only child". People believe they are selfish and they think the world revolves around them. If Jayden is indeed an only child, he will continue to be raised to be a kind, caring, giving child in hopes that he will become a kind, caring, and giving young man who knows the true value of the people and things in his life. If Jayden is indeed an only child, I shouldn't have to give an explanation as to why. Just as I do not judge those who have several children, people should not judge me for only having one. Undoubtedly some will. I will have to work had at suppressing the rage that will begin to fill me. I will have to fight the urge to justify our choice to others because it isn't any of their business how many kids we choose to have and the reasons why.
A few months ago I was told by a daycare worker that I "Owe it to the world to have another child" because Jayden is such a beautiful, delightful, and intelligent child. I do not owe the world more children. What I do owe the world is to raise the child I do have in such a way that he makes the world a better place. I owe it to my son to continue to be happy and healthy and to be alive to watch him change the world for the better, as he has already changed mine.
