I have decided to combine Jayden's blog and the pittiful attempt at a blog for Matthew into one. Here are the 2 entries from Matt's blog. Sorry Matthew, your blog fell victim to the curse of the second child.
1/22/2014
Approximately 8 weeks ago I wrote a blog entry about how my 20's were not just hard, but heartbreaking. I am pretty sure God was listening. Because later that week, unbeknownst to me, Jay and I conceived our second child - without the aide of fertility drugs!
I am still in shock. I honestly thought my cycle was being weird because of the holidays and because I have been training hard for a half marathon. Since having my son, it has been so out of whack, I really didn't give it much thought until after Christmas. Then I joked with my husband that I needed to test. Seeing as our son was conceived after 4 years of trying, 4 failed IUI's and finally a successful round of IVF, my being pregnant was not the first thing that came to mind. We were still in Chicago at his Mom's house. I had wanted to wait to test until we got home, but we were snowed in so I thought, hey why not, at least I won't have to worry about it another day and I can resume training. To my BIG surprise, the test was positive. Very positive. I had to look at the box again to make sure I wasn't confusing the "pregnant" line with the control line since it showed up almost immediately. I told Jay to come look. He knew right away it was positive because of the look on my face. The pregnancy was confirmed by ultrasound and a blood test a week later. While some people have said we shouldn't have announced it so early, my thinking is this child is a gift. For however long I am allowed to have this gift, I am going to celebrate it.
Everything about this pregnancy is different. From how this child was conceived to how my body is handling it and everything in between. With Jayden, it started the month before his and his twin's embryos were transferred into me. There were so many ultrasounds. So many shots. So many hormones. Then there was the two week wait. For anyone who is trying to conceive and going through fertility issues, this is the longest two weeks of your life that can happen over and over and over again. Usually leaving you devastated because your period starts. With this child, there was no two week wait. There were no ultrasounds, shots, or hormones (except for the ones my body is producing rapidly). We never expected this to happen due to our form of infertility, but it was always in the back of our minds, the hope that we would be the exception.
I am trying desperately not to be afraid. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can, because it will most likely be my last. But the ending to my last pregnancy weighs heavily on my mind. I have a 40% chance of having another preemie and I do not think my heart can handle that again. I am trying not to focus on it. I know I will be monitored even more closely this time around. I also know that I have done everything I can to reduce my chances of pre-eclampsia. I have lost 70 pounds since having my son and my lifestyle is so different. I know that pre-e is more likely to occur in first time pregnancies as well as pregnancies that are conceived via IVF. Neither of which this one is. But my mind is still filled with the images of my child struggling to live his first few weeks of life. I am choosing to believe that it won't happen again. You see, I am 30 now. All the heartbreaking stuff was in my 20's. Yes, the second time around will be amazingly different.
4/1/2014
My oldest child defied so many odds. That's a fact and this baby boy is no different. He defied the odds by being conceived in the first place. At 10 weeks I was given a 50% chance of miscarriage due to a subchorionic hemorrhage and he has proven he wants to be here. There were a few weeks where I could barely eat anything and if I did I couldn't keep it down and he continued to grow despite my increasing weight loss. So yesterday when we were told there is a very small, but still possible chance our son could have trisomy 18, otherwise known as Edward's syndrome, I have to believe that he will defy that too.
I was nervous going into our 19 week ultrasound with the high risk (MFM) doctor. For 9 weeks I had been worried that the small tear in the placenta and subchorionic bleed was still there and if it was what that meant for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was worried about my risk for preeclampsia and having another preemie. I was worried that the medications I am on were affecting my son despite my primary care and OB nurse practioner telling me that while they are class C drugs, there is no evidence to suggest the have a negative affect on a growing fetus. I was not worried about my child having any chromosomal abnormalities. The ultra sound tech commented numerous times on how extremely active our son was. Something the doctors and techs during previous appointments would say too. When the MFM doctor came in, he started going over our ultrasound results. Apparently he was watching it in his office and taking notes. He told us his growth looks great and we are within a week of our due date. He also eased our fears telling us there is no longer any evidence of a tear or bleed. My placenta had healed. Then he pulled up the image of our son's brain. He pointed out a dark spot and told us it was something call a choroid plexus cyst. He explained that they occur in about 1-2% of all pregnancies and alone have absolutely no affect on brain development or intelligence. However, its presence can be a marker for trisomy 18. A fatal chromosomal disorder. He then pulled up an image of our son's heart. Because of scar tissue (on me, not him) and the fact that my son would not stay still very long, the image wasn't as clear as the doctor would have liked. He suggested a repeat ultrasound in a month to get a better look. He said from what he can see it appears to be fine, but he just can't be sure without a better look. He pointed out that without other markers for trisomy 18, provided the heart is fine, that our chances of our son having this condition are still very low. After talking to the lab to discuss my quad screening results, he put those odds at 1/820 without the cyst and with the cyst he said some doctors would lower those odds to 1/600, but he wasn't going to.
Jay and I both really liked this MFM doctor (as opposed to the one I saw with Jayden). He did an amazing job of explaining everything to us and reassuring us that at this point, he does not think our son has trisomy 18. He told us if we wanted to know for sure we could undergo an amnio, but at this point the risk of miscarriage from an amnio was higher (1/250) than the risk of our son having trisomy 18 (1/820). I asked if we could wait until our next ultrasound when we are able to get a better look at the heart to decide. He said of course we could, but if the results would affect how we choose to proceed with the pregnancy, then the earlier the amnio is done, the easier it would be. Without explicitly saying it, what he was really asking was if the results came back positive, would we choose to terminate the pregnancy?
Before having children, before infertility and heartbreak, the answer to that question would have been unequivocally yes. I wouldn't keep carrying a child who was going to die. I used this exact situation in so many pro-choice/pro-life debates during my teens and early 20's and I couldn't understand why my pro-life peers couldn't see the difference between this situation and terminating a pregnancy because a woman just doesn't want to be pregnant. But then I finally got pregnant with twins and I saw my children's heartbeats on a monitor. A few weeks later there was only one heartbeat and I silently grieved for the life that was lost, even though I was only 10 weeks pregnant. Being pregnant changed me. While I would never judge someone for terminating a pregnancy due to a fatal disease, I couldn't do it. I could not be the one to make the decision to stop the heart that is beating inside of me. If after our next ultrasound our doctor says he thinks we should have an amnio, we will. Jay and I are both the type of people who would want to know what, if any, challenges we might face. The results however, would not cause us to be the ones to terminate the pregnancy. We would leave that decision up to God.
The name we have chosen for our son means "Gift from God". And while the chances of him actually having trisomy 18 is very very small, it is still extremely terrifying for us. If he does it will be devestating. It will change us forever but it will not destroy or define us. But in my heart I know he is fine. I just don't believe that this child, who's mere existence in our lives has defied all odds and who's presence alone is truly a gift from God, would be given to us to be born with wings. I choose to believe that he will be born perfectly healthy and on time. Because right now, the majority of the evidence and mother's intuition is telling me so. And with that, my son kicks me hard as if to say, "I whole heartedly agree!".
