Did You Know...

* Charles Darwin, Sir Isaac Newton, and Albert Einstein were all preemies? As was Mark Twain. I wonder who Jayden will be and what his impact on this world will be.  Whoever he is and what ever he does I will love him unconditionally.
* Preemies are at much higher risk for RSV, especially during the winter months.
* There have been over 750 cases of whooping cough in Colorado so far this year. Compared to the yearly average of 150. I am asking everyone who comes in prolonged contact with Jayden to have had the pertussis vaccine. As a preemie he is at a much greater risk to contract this preventable disease. Babies do not get their vaccines until 8 weeks.

Jayden has made great progress this week. On Monday he finished his first bottle. Since then he has worked his way up to getting bottles every other feeding. The last day or so he has finished most of those. Sometimes he is too sleepy to get one, but it depends on the nurse as to whether they will attempt to give him a bottle if he is not wide awake. One of my favorite nurses gives it to him anyways and even though he is apparently sleepy, he actually eats and finishes it. I also had to fight to get them to let me feed him while not being swaddled. I found that if he was swaddled, he would completely fall asleep and not finish his bottle. They say he needs to be swaddled to keep him coordinated enough to suck, swallow, and breath. He does just fine not swaddled AND he finishes his bottle.
The NICU nurses are amazing, but each nurse has a different way of doing things and once I get used to one way of doing things, another nurse comes on shift and tells me to do things another way. I can't wait to get him home so I can do things the way I want to do them. I can't wait to be able to hold him when I want to, change him when I want to (more like when he needs it), bathe him when I want to (or when he needs it), and dress him in any type of clothes I wish. I can't wait to use all the cool things like the swing, bouncy seat, and play mat, that we have for him. I hope that day is coming soon where we can take him home. The doctors and nurses will only say his due date. They won't tell us anything else until a day or two before he is set to be discharged. I just really hope he takes all of his feedings soon. I want him home.

The Waiting Game

We have now entered what the doctors and nurses call "The Waiting Game". We are waiting on Jayden to learn how to eat. Unfortunately, it is not a practice makes perfect type of thing. It is a neurological maturity thing. They say that one day it will just click, a light bulb will turn on and he will be mature enough to eat his entire feeding by bottle. Once that happens and he is consistent for a few days, he can go home. He will be 35 weeks gestation on Tuesday. I hope it clicks soon. They say that boys take longer than girls with this. So we just sit and wait. Right now he is only taking about 10 ml by bottle. After that he gets so tired that he falls asleep. The good thing is that he isn't stopping breathing while he takes it and he seems pretty coordinated with the suck, swallow, and breathe process when he does take a bottle. 
He is up to 5 lbs now! His cheeks are filling out. His legs and arms are still so skinny. It won't be long before he can wear newborn stuff. 
Jayden was put back on oxygen a few days ago. With him working on feeding more and doing so much growing he needs the extra oxygen to compensate for the altitude. If we were at sea level, he would not need to be on it. Depending when he comes home, he may have to go home on it. I am nervous about how that will work. I know the home health people bring everything and set it all up. I know they give you the ability to travel with it and I am sure it becomes second nature once you get use to it, but until then I am anxious. 

I am getting very tired of the drive to and from the hospital. I forget that I only gave birth to him two weeks ago. I forget that I just had a major surgery and my body is not only still physically healing, but trying to heal emotionally as well. I can barely make it through the 10 pm news before crashing. It so hard to do anything more than the bare minimum when I am home because of the constant travel and around the clock pumping. I know that if he was born full term I would be just as physically exhausted, if not more, but I highly doubt that I would be as emotional exhausted. I just want him home!

Settling Into a Routine

The last few days Jayden and I have settled into a routine. I arrive at the hospital around 10:45 in the morning and do his massage that the occupational therapist taught me. Then at 11 I take his temperature (which he is not a fan of, I keep reminding him at least it isn't rectal). Then I change his diaper (which is almost always poopy due to breast milk) and change his clothes. Then I put him to breast. He is doing AMAZING latching on and eating. About ten minutes later the nurse starts his gavage feeding. After he is done breast feeding we cuddle for the 40 minutes that the gavage is running. After he is done eating I have to put him back in his crib so that I can pump. Then I go to lunch. The hospital has a Subway which is awesome and a beautiful outdoor area to sit (if I can get a table at that hour). I usually read or respond to texts or calls at that time and enjoy the fresh air. Yesterday I actually got sunburned. I forgot I haven't spent any real time outside in the past few months between the heat being unbearable and being restricted in my activities. After lunch I go and sit with JJ until his 2 pm feeding and I start the process all over again, except instead of breastfeeding we kangaroo while he is getting his gavage feeding. The nurses don't want to over tax him with back to back breast feedings. I have to leave around 4 pm to get home and feed the heard. Sometimes Jay and I go back for the 8 pm feeding. 
Monday was a busy day for my boy. He got his first bath and did GREAT! The nurses were impressed that I stayed calm as did he. He only cried for a second or two when I was washing his hair. Then at his 8 pm feeding, which we were present for, they started him on the bottle. He only stopped breathing once, and he corrected himself so quickly that only the nurse who was holding him saw it. He didn't even drop his stats. This is one step closer to him being allowed to come home. He has to take his entire feeding by bottle or breast before he is allowed home. This is the last hurdle (that we are aware of) for him to be discharged. 
Yesterday he took two of his feedings by bottle. He finished about 1/2 of the bottle and received the rest by gavage. Today he did such a great job breastfeeding that he ended up puking up some of his meal because he had gotten so much by breast and then his entire gavage feeding. The nurse said she will leave a note for the day nurse tomorrow to lower the gavage amount if I see he has gotten a decent amount from me.
Having a routine helps keep my mind focused. But at the end of the day I hate that someone else is taking care of my child. The nurses are amazing. Truly Heaven sent, but they aren't his mother. I am. The other night he was having reflux issues, but Jay and I had to leave because he had to work the next day and it was getting late. The nurse had to hold him. That is my job. I know it may be irrational, but I worry that he doesn't know that I am him mom. I have waited so long to have him and to rock my own baby to sleep. It seems so cruel sometimes that I got this far, I made it over all these hurdles to have him and I was in the home stretch. I could literally see the finish line, and then out of nowhere another hurdle appears. I know everyone says that he will be home before I know it. That it is best for him to be there right now so the nurses can make sure he is 100% ok before they send him home. I know that. It doesn't make it easier. Of course I want my son to be 100% ok before I take him home. Until he is I know that he is getting the best care he can get for his needs. It doesn't replace the fact that I am him mom and I should be with him. 

One Week Old!

My baby boy is one week old. Today I was able to spend a lot more time with him. I got to try breastfeeding him again. He did amazing! He is latching on for a few moments at time. He even stayed awake long enough to switch sides. In between feeding he is such a chilled out baby. I rarely hear him cry. Honestly, it worries me. The nurses assure me that he is completely fine, and that I should be grateful my baby isn't a crier. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he is so calm and relaxed, I just want to know that everything is okay with him. I guess this is just one more thing that he gets from his daddy ~ the ability to sleep through anything. Jayden is also gaining weight. He is up to 4 lbs 5 oz, so only 3 oz away from his birth weight.
I have been doing okay. As long as I keep busy I don't get a chance to think about it. When I do I break down. Thursday and Friday we spent part of the time trying to find a place that sells preemie clothes. We went to Target, Kohl's, and Walmart. Walmart had a few, but were mostly girl clothes. I was getting very frustrated. I can't do much for my child right now. I can pump breast milk and hold him for a few hours, I wanted to be able to provide him with his own clothes. I know the hospital has some that they put him in, but I wanted him in his own. Even the hats we have for him are too big. I ordered a few hats for him online, but I wanted to have some stuff to bring in now. We were able to go to the Carter's Outlet yesterday and I was able to find a few onsies and sleepers. The NICU requires that all sleepers be snaps or buttons because the leads have to go through them. While I was ecstatic that I was able to find clothes for him, it is so hard to grasp that he is still to small to fit into preemie sizes. The clothes are still too big. I know he will grow into them, but when you look at how small the clothes are, it breaks my heart to know that he is smaller.

Today while taking a break from the NICU I was sitting in the lounge and a woman was being wheeled out towards the door with her husband carrying the carseat with a baby inside. I lost it. I didn't get to take my baby home when I left the hospital. I won't get to take my baby home for weeks. I hate this. While at the grocery store there were at least three people with small infants in carseats in the cart. I found myself fighting back the tears. It felt like how it was during our struggle with infertility. Why do they get to have their babies with them and I don't. I know he will be home eventually and that he is doing amazing considering he was born at 32 weeks, but I have waited long enough to have my own child. Why do I have to wait even longer for us to be together?

"God has heard"

For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a very religious person. That is not to say I do not have faith. The last few years my Facebook religion status has read "you cannot be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time". I believe in God. With all that has happened in my life in the last decade or so, I have had to. As a scientist, I know that our universe is not random and the mere fact that F=MA is proof to me that God exists. With all that said, I want to explain to you how we came about choosing our son's name. 
Last summer, while in the mists of yet another round of fertility treatments, I was trying to keep my hopes up during the two week wait. One way was to go through baby names. Most of the time (and all of the girl names I liked) Jay vetoed. Until one day I heard somewhere the name Jayden. I asked Jay what he thought of the name. He actually really liked it. So, our hypothetical son, the one we had tried and failed to conceive for so long, had a tentative name. I knew that if our child was a boy, his middle name would be James, after my father. Talking with Jay one day, I said we could call him JJ. Jay's response to that was, "they are going to think he is Jason Junior". I told him I didn't care, since that wasn't his name. Jayden's second middle name (yes, his full middle name is James Newquist) is not in reference to my dad. It is so that my child can have a piece of my name in his. 
After so many failed fertility treatments and finally a successful IVF round, we were on our way to having our family. The next step was finding our if we were having a girl or a boy. At 15 weeks we found out we would be getting a son. From then on, I would refer to him by name. When he was born screaming after being so early, his name just fit him. Jayden means "God has heard". The entire time I was on the operating table waiting to hear his cry, I kept telling God and my parents that they could not have him. He was mine. They already had one of my babies. They don't get both. After I heard his cry, I felt as though God had finally heard mine. All the years of anger and frustration seemed to be wiped away with one cry from my son. 
This isn't to say I am not still hurting from how my son entered this world. But everyday he seems to improve so much more. Today he was wearing clothes, he was regulating his own body temperature and was moved to a well baby crib. He may still need to go into an isolet to keep him from getting over stimulated, but not because he needs it to help regulate body temperature. He was also able to lose the IV today. He gained another ounce on top of the one he gained yesterday, which means he is tolerating his feedings very well. Today he was also put to breast and latched on for a few minutes which is HUGE for a premie. His heart rate did dip for a second when he got over stimulated, which is to be expected with a premie. He still needs to learn how to master the suck, swallow, and breath concept. He has also been with out supplemental oxygen for over 24 hours. Not even a nasal canula. They say once he starts becoming more active and feeding more from the bottle and the breast he might need to go on it again, but that it is very common for that to happen. Some babies do go home with supplemental oxygen. When I called tonight to check on him, the nurse described him as "incredibly adorable".  I have to agree.

Progress

Things have improved greatly in the last two days. Yesterday Jayden was able to be removed from the CPAP, which he greatly appreciated. I was able to hold him for the first time. I can't describe to you how wonderful that was, even though it was for a short period of time. It did wonders for my mental state, especially since I was discharged from the hospital yesterday as well. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do...leave my son while I went home. There is something so unnatural about it.  A mother should never have to leave her newborn son behind. The wonderful thing about the NICU is that I can call anytime, day or night. I was able to hold off until bedtime. When I called they said he was doing wonderfully off the CPAP. He didn't even need a nasal canula. Knowing that I was able to get some sleep. 
Today when we went in, he looked like a completely different baby. Actually, he looked like a baby! They had finally washed his hair and he was just chilling out in the isolet. He only had the feeding tube and IV line in, plus the leads for his heart rate and pulse. After I pumped, they put him on my chest. Without the CPAP I was able to kiss him. 
The nurses and doctors said he is doing amazing. He was able to come off the bili lights. They are increasing his feeding amount every other feeding. They said if he tolerates it, by tomorrow or Friday he could be IV free. Tomorrow they will also be putting him to breast for the first time, just to see if he has any rooting or suckling instincts. They told me not to get my hopes up, but he is showing some good signs by sucking on his pacifier. 
His daddy got a chance to hold him for a while as well today. I have to say, there is nothing sexier than a man holding his newborn child. I have been waiting for 4 years to see my husband hold our child. 
Now that we can see his face better, there is no doubt that he is his father's son. He looks just like Jay. He has only opened his eyes for a few seconds at a time, so we haven't been able to determine what color they are yet. 

All  in all, today was a good day. I still hate leaving him and it hurts knowing I can't be there every second, but knowing he is improving and being able to hold him and kiss him helps. 

Guilt

It has been four days. Four days since my son was born. Four days since I have been allowed to hold him. He did wonderfully on Saturday on the cpap and by Sunday they had him off of it completely and only on a nasal canula. I was not allowed out of bed for 24 hours after my surgery due to the magnesium, so Jay was my go between. He was allowed to hold Jayden on Sunday morning for a few minutes. By the time I was allowed to go and see him, Jayden started to struggle again. He was having a lot of tummy troubles. On Saturday they asked if we wanted to use donated milk or formula until my milk came in. We thought it was weird to use donated milk, so we opted for formula. It turns out that it was causing a lot of problems for him. As soon as I realized this I had them switch to the donated milk and he immediately started to do much better. He was still having to work hard at breathing and was getting very uncomfortable. They had to put him back on the cpap. They were also having a lot of trouble keeping an IV in, which is why they have not allowed me to hold him. They keep telling me "tomorrow". I am starting to crack. I see my son is struggling. He is uncomfortable and all I want to do is hold him and comfort him like a mother should. All I can do is hold his hand while he grasps my finger knowing I did this to him. My body, which was supposed to protect him, allow him to grow, betrayed him. He was perfectly happy inside of me. Logically I know it isn't my fault. But seeing him laying in the NICU, unable to do anything for him, I feel responsible. I am his mother, I am supposed to be the one to protect him. 

When Two Became Three

This past week has been a blur to say the least. A week ago I was sitting the doctor's office being told I need to watch my blood pressures and today I am a mom. When they say pre-eclampsia comes on quickly, they aren't joking. Last Tuesday I turned in my 24 hour urine protein, not expecting anything to come of it. Wednesday afternoon I received a phone call from the ob's office telling me I needed to be admitted to labor and delivery, that I did in fact have a mild case of pre-eclampsia. Over the next three days, my headache that I had for a week continuously got worse and I kept fighting with the doctors to let me go home. On Friday all hell broke loose. The doctors decided that it was in the best interest of me and the baby to start induction as well as magnesium for the pre-eclampsia. I had already received the two doses of steroids for his lungs on Wednesday and Thursday evening. After 4 doses of a cervical agent (with absolutely no change) they started pitocin. Every 20 minutes for a few hours the dosage was increased. In that time, I only had a few contractions. By Saturday afternoon, my body had had enough. The doctors gave me the option between trying another cervical agent that would be inserted for 12 hours and then another round of pitocin, or to go for the c-section. Jay and I opted for the c-section. Between the pre-eclampsia and the magnesium (and not being allowed out of bed since Friday morning) it was the best decision to safely deliver our child. 
Once the c-section decision was made, things moved quickly .The decision was made around 3 pm on Saturday afternoon and by 4 pm I was in the OR getting prepped for my spinal. It took 3 tries to get the spinal in, but I was quickly numbed. Because I was so sick, I was not very aware of what was going on during that time. I do remember Jay coming in and holding my hand. Within 20 minutes, Jayden James Newquist Sommer was here. Screaming. The most amazing sound I have ever heard. He continued to cry while the NICU evaluated him. Prior to the birth, the NICU team told us that if he comes out pink and screaming and stays that way for a while, that we would be able to hold him for a minute before they took him away. We got the best case. At 4:27 pm on August 11th, 2012, after 4 years of heartbreak, failed fertility treatments, and the loss of one of the twins early on, two became three, and we finally got our perfect family.