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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Settling Into a Routine

The last few days Jayden and I have settled into a routine. I arrive at the hospital around 10:45 in the morning and do his massage that the occupational therapist taught me. Then at 11 I take his temperature (which he is not a fan of, I keep reminding him at least it isn't rectal). Then I change his diaper (which is almost always poopy due to breast milk) and change his clothes. Then I put him to breast. He is doing AMAZING latching on and eating. About ten minutes later the nurse starts his gavage feeding. After he is done breast feeding we cuddle for the 40 minutes that the gavage is running. After he is done eating I have to put him back in his crib so that I can pump. Then I go to lunch. The hospital has a Subway which is awesome and a beautiful outdoor area to sit (if I can get a table at that hour). I usually read or respond to texts or calls at that time and enjoy the fresh air. Yesterday I actually got sunburned. I forgot I haven't spent any real time outside in the past few months between the heat being unbearable and being restricted in my activities. After lunch I go and sit with JJ until his 2 pm feeding and I start the process all over again, except instead of breastfeeding we kangaroo while he is getting his gavage feeding. The nurses don't want to over tax him with back to back breast feedings. I have to leave around 4 pm to get home and feed the heard. Sometimes Jay and I go back for the 8 pm feeding. 
Monday was a busy day for my boy. He got his first bath and did GREAT! The nurses were impressed that I stayed calm as did he. He only cried for a second or two when I was washing his hair. Then at his 8 pm feeding, which we were present for, they started him on the bottle. He only stopped breathing once, and he corrected himself so quickly that only the nurse who was holding him saw it. He didn't even drop his stats. This is one step closer to him being allowed to come home. He has to take his entire feeding by bottle or breast before he is allowed home. This is the last hurdle (that we are aware of) for him to be discharged. 
Yesterday he took two of his feedings by bottle. He finished about 1/2 of the bottle and received the rest by gavage. Today he did such a great job breastfeeding that he ended up puking up some of his meal because he had gotten so much by breast and then his entire gavage feeding. The nurse said she will leave a note for the day nurse tomorrow to lower the gavage amount if I see he has gotten a decent amount from me.
Having a routine helps keep my mind focused. But at the end of the day I hate that someone else is taking care of my child. The nurses are amazing. Truly Heaven sent, but they aren't his mother. I am. The other night he was having reflux issues, but Jay and I had to leave because he had to work the next day and it was getting late. The nurse had to hold him. That is my job. I know it may be irrational, but I worry that he doesn't know that I am him mom. I have waited so long to have him and to rock my own baby to sleep. It seems so cruel sometimes that I got this far, I made it over all these hurdles to have him and I was in the home stretch. I could literally see the finish line, and then out of nowhere another hurdle appears. I know everyone says that he will be home before I know it. That it is best for him to be there right now so the nurses can make sure he is 100% ok before they send him home. I know that. It doesn't make it easier. Of course I want my son to be 100% ok before I take him home. Until he is I know that he is getting the best care he can get for his needs. It doesn't replace the fact that I am him mom and I should be with him. 

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