Guilt

It has been four days. Four days since my son was born. Four days since I have been allowed to hold him. He did wonderfully on Saturday on the cpap and by Sunday they had him off of it completely and only on a nasal canula. I was not allowed out of bed for 24 hours after my surgery due to the magnesium, so Jay was my go between. He was allowed to hold Jayden on Sunday morning for a few minutes. By the time I was allowed to go and see him, Jayden started to struggle again. He was having a lot of tummy troubles. On Saturday they asked if we wanted to use donated milk or formula until my milk came in. We thought it was weird to use donated milk, so we opted for formula. It turns out that it was causing a lot of problems for him. As soon as I realized this I had them switch to the donated milk and he immediately started to do much better. He was still having to work hard at breathing and was getting very uncomfortable. They had to put him back on the cpap. They were also having a lot of trouble keeping an IV in, which is why they have not allowed me to hold him. They keep telling me "tomorrow". I am starting to crack. I see my son is struggling. He is uncomfortable and all I want to do is hold him and comfort him like a mother should. All I can do is hold his hand while he grasps my finger knowing I did this to him. My body, which was supposed to protect him, allow him to grow, betrayed him. He was perfectly happy inside of me. Logically I know it isn't my fault. But seeing him laying in the NICU, unable to do anything for him, I feel responsible. I am his mother, I am supposed to be the one to protect him.