One Week Old!

My baby boy is one week old. Today I was able to spend a lot more time with him. I got to try breastfeeding him again. He did amazing! He is latching on for a few moments at time. He even stayed awake long enough to switch sides. In between feeding he is such a chilled out baby. I rarely hear him cry. Honestly, it worries me. The nurses assure me that he is completely fine, and that I should be grateful my baby isn't a crier. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he is so calm and relaxed, I just want to know that everything is okay with him. I guess this is just one more thing that he gets from his daddy ~ the ability to sleep through anything. Jayden is also gaining weight. He is up to 4 lbs 5 oz, so only 3 oz away from his birth weight.
I have been doing okay. As long as I keep busy I don't get a chance to think about it. When I do I break down. Thursday and Friday we spent part of the time trying to find a place that sells preemie clothes. We went to Target, Kohl's, and Walmart. Walmart had a few, but were mostly girl clothes. I was getting very frustrated. I can't do much for my child right now. I can pump breast milk and hold him for a few hours, I wanted to be able to provide him with his own clothes. I know the hospital has some that they put him in, but I wanted him in his own. Even the hats we have for him are too big. I ordered a few hats for him online, but I wanted to have some stuff to bring in now. We were able to go to the Carter's Outlet yesterday and I was able to find a few onsies and sleepers. The NICU requires that all sleepers be snaps or buttons because the leads have to go through them. While I was ecstatic that I was able to find clothes for him, it is so hard to grasp that he is still to small to fit into preemie sizes. The clothes are still too big. I know he will grow into them, but when you look at how small the clothes are, it breaks my heart to know that he is smaller.

Today while taking a break from the NICU I was sitting in the lounge and a woman was being wheeled out towards the door with her husband carrying the carseat with a baby inside. I lost it. I didn't get to take my baby home when I left the hospital. I won't get to take my baby home for weeks. I hate this. While at the grocery store there were at least three people with small infants in carseats in the cart. I found myself fighting back the tears. It felt like how it was during our struggle with infertility. Why do they get to have their babies with them and I don't. I know he will be home eventually and that he is doing amazing considering he was born at 32 weeks, but I have waited long enough to have my own child. Why do I have to wait even longer for us to be together?